the roller coaster

"P.s.," she wrote, "remember--the roller coaster never gets better--but you'll never remember the lows because the highs are so much better."

Isn't it funny how one day you can feel on top of the world and the next feel like the world is caving in? Becca's advice couldn't have come at a better time. Having spent the past semester abroad herself and now returned home, I value the poetic wisdom she strings throughout the letter that arrived at my doorstep.

Yesterday I took a historic tour of Chester with the international students. Yesterday I felt like a complete and total nerd trailing behind the tour guide, taking pictures and looking fascinated by every word that came out of her mouth, and I loved every minute of it. Yesterday I tucked into an old, adorable coffee shop away from the cold to sip mochas with bright and sunny friends. Yesterday I couldn't wipe a smile off my face if I tried. Yesterday I overflowed with happiness.

Today I can't stop staring at the picture of my family on my desk. Today I didn't even go to the homeless shelter to volunteer because I didn't have the energy to put on a happy face. Today I ate lunch as fast as I could so I could stop pretending like I was okay. Today I miss my best friend, because sometimes no one else will do.

Today I am reminded again of my vulnerability. And I embrace it.

"God, I can't just sit here and pray. God, I need you in a tangible way."

So I call the homeless shelter to let them know I'm not coming and I have a cuppa tea instead. Each smooth, warm sip is a deep embrace. So I text one of my new English friends, "can we chat?" I sigh in relief when she says come over, she's looking forward to it. So today when he hugged me and started spinning, I lifted my feet off the ground and let him take me round and round. I fell to the floor and laughed 'til I could see straight again.

I had to let go. Happiness comes and goes. I can't hold onto anything. If I want to feel, if I want to embrace, if I want to know the God of grace, I have to let go.

So today it was just a cuppa tea, a lighthearted chat, and a gigantic hug. I let go and accepted today's gifts. It was all I needed. It was sufficient grace, it was beautiful, and I don't have to explode with happiness for it to be a good day.

Her letter was right. It is a roller coaster. And I've always wanted to be one of those people who raise their arms in the air in joyful abandon.